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Have you ever lost something, only to think that someone has taken it? I don’t like to admit it, but I often react this way. When faced with a loss of something I at least temporarily think is important, I can lose all perspective and find myself ready to blame. The thing is, I know better. I know because almost always I end up finding it or realize it was me who lost it; I am the only one to blame.
Eckhart tells a wonderful story that has helped me in similar situations to calm down, keep perspective, and not jump to conclusions.
We all know that stuff is lost and broken everyday. And it’s fine, as long as it doesn’t happen to “my” stuff. Here we are, back to how the words my and mine bring suffering into our lives, as brought up in the last Wise Words newsletter.
In this section of the book, Eckhart tells the story of a woman in her early 40s he was counseling; she had advanced stage cancer and was struggling to find stillness and peace and to come to terms with her cancer and inevitable end of life.
One day he arrived to find her quite upset. She had lost her ring, and was sure that her caregiver had stolen it. It had belonged to her grandmother, and held tremendous sentimental value. The woman was angry that her caregiver could be so “callous and heartless” as to take her ring as she lay dying.
Eckhart asked her a few questions.
Do you realize you will have to let go of the ring at some point, perhaps quite soon?
How much more time do you need before you will be ready to let go of it?
Will you become less when you let go of it?
Has WHO YOU ARE become diminished by the loss?
Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth
After a few moments of silence, the woman smiled gently and seemed at peace. She listened to Eckhart’s questions, and tried to feel her answers rather than think them. It was then that she realized that who she was hadn’t been diminished at all.
That is the joy of Being. You can only feel it when you get out of your head.
Being must be felt. It can’t be thought.
Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth
Through this deep connection with her inner self, the woman understood what Jesus meant when he said, “If someone takes your shirt, let him have your coat as well.”
Whoa. There seems a lot to process here. Am I more or less than because of having or not having a thing? I remember these words hitting me at the core. Am I diminished? The I that was me as a baby, a child, before I really owned anything, is that part of me diminished when something is lost? No, no, it can’t be. For that part of me deep within isn’t ever improved or reduced because of what I own or what I have accomplished.
This does not mean I cannot react to having lost something I gave meaning to, such as a family heirloom. It doesn’t mean I can’t feel sad when I lose something, but maybe I can let go of the sadness a bit faster, releasing my attachment. I can remember that who I am, deep within, is still there, still whole.
It doesn’t mean you should never lock your door. All it means is that sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.
Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth
This idea, that my core self is not diminished because of losing something is still a difficult concept for me to grasp, but this story makes it easier, more accessible.
I put this into practice recently, practicing acceptance and letting go of how I thought something should look. And I experienced such lightness and freedom! My story also is about a ring, but not one I lost. As I gained weight over the years, my wedding ring no longer fit. I had hoped to have it enlarged, but because of the way it was made and the engraving on it, that was not possible. Wow, say goodbye to my wedding ring…hmmm…or keep it and do what with it? Wear it on a chain? No, I’m not so sentimental. Stash it away in a drawer? Give it to my kids so they can probably not use it and keep it in a drawer?
Hmmm, for more than 25 years that ring had been a sign of my love and commitment to my husband. But our love was so much greater than any sign or symbol of it. After a little heartfelt thought (and a quick discussion with my husband), I decided to trade in the old ring for the gold and have a new one engraved. (I am happy to still have a ring; I take it off each night and remind myself each day as I put it on again, yes, I still want to be married to this man.) Our rings no longer match, but that is okay. This ring now marks a new chapter in our marriage, in our lives. My ring is now wider, stronger, and it suits me where I am in my life today.
But probably the best part of going through this experience was feeling the ease of choosing joy and appreciation instead of upset. The new ring, for as long as I have it, now reminds me of my marriage today, and connects me to choosing joy.
Oh, and the woman Eckhart writes about? After she died, her mother found the ring in the bathroom cabinet.
Thanks for reading, thanks for being with me on the journey. Namaste, and make it a good day.