Sometimes I find myself going through the motions of my day by rote. Not completely unaware, yet not fully present, not able to appreciate, or to inhabit the moment. This has been happening more in the past few weeks.
Then the layering begins. On top of not feeling fully there, a voice says, a snotty voice says, Jeez, what’s it gonna take to make you happy? You have everything. But not enough, huh? Awww, don’t like the continuous cloudy days? Awww. Get *#&%ing over it!
I have been practicing mindfulness for more than a few of years now. I feel the benefits in my daily life. I have more appreciation for small things, have simplified my routine, like the things I’m doing and the people I have in my life. All good. And, still, I get down and into a funk like this which I know is human and is okay.
I say I know it is okay. Only I didn’t know that an hour ago. I woke up feeling physically fine, but heavy in my head, sad, sad, sad. Why sad?!? came the voice.
When I get sad like this and am going through the motions I also get stuck out of connection to my creativity, to that deeper self which = no writing. No writing here or for the book group or even in my journal. I noticed I hadn’t really written much recently and that is a sign that I’m off. Living in a place disconnected from me. Additionally I notice that I am way more self-critical, and more critical of others. My snarky voice has plenty of nasty words for all. All signs that I need some correction.
Part of the layering is guilt about not writing more, not writing here regularly. I felt sadness and deep disappointment in myself. But I couldn’t find it, the writing that is. It doesn’t work for me when I write because I should, not for these kind of words. Not when it doesn’t come from the deep waters within me. And writing from the surface feels fake. It’s not where I want to write from, because it feels not true.
This was what I was feeling and I knew, somewhere deep inside, that I needed to honor the feeling. Honor what is here now. So I came into a quiet space on my own, and found a ho’oponopono meditation on YouTube. I lay down and let the words wash over me. A part of me (that snarky voice) was saying, This will do nothing. The words to this are kinda basic, no? But I ignored and was open that doing this prayer, this meditation about love and forgiveness and appreciation would reach into me.
Kinda basic and mega-powerful; that’s what those words were for me this morning. The tears began to flow as I let the words connect to my feelings of inadequacy, of not enoughness. I allowed myself to feel them to release them.
And that’s what worked. Out popped the cork holding it all in. I know the voice thought that by keeping the cork in place she was holding it all together, but it was all too brittle, not real, and I could feel it. That was the sadness.
And so, here I am writing again. From the deeper waters, from the true me. Oh so good to be back.
Thank you for being with me and namaste. I guess we’ll just all do our best to make it a good day. シ
When my own "not enoughness" strikes it helps me to know that we share this and there is a way out.