A Pause in the Chaos…

Rather than trying to meditate correctly, I’d rather think of taking a little break from my often all-over-the-place thoughts.

There are days my calendar is full, and days that it’s more relaxed. You’d think on the easier days I’d find making time to meditate easy. But I don’t. I’m a reluctant meditator. I struggle to slow down.

I think it’s my ego that talks me out of it. Ego as in the part of me that is always wanting to look good, do it right, etc. That part of me always seems to be telling me that there must be something much more important than pausing in my day. It can go off in many directions, telling me I make poor choices, that I’m a privileged snot so get cracking, or how about that I don’t meditate properly anyway so why bother?

You might think that after years of practicing yoga and mindfulness, I’d have licked this particular voice in my head, but no. However, I have learned to not let it stop me from meditating, at least not always.

Why do I still meditate, even though I don’t find it easy? Because sure enough, I feel better when I take time to pause. That’s basically it. I always feel better after taking those few moments to breathe, pause, notice where I am, then breathe again. Almost immediately thoughts arise or maybe a funny feeling in my foot takes my attention. But then, when I notice, I come back. That is the sweet moment - the return to not thinking, figuring out, solving, etc. Rather just pausing, resting, getting lost in thought again, then returning. Again and again.

And so I come to you as a reluctant, but committed meditator, in hopes that if you too struggle to slow down, you will know you’re not alone, and you’ll keep going for it. We can do this together.

Today in my travels, after walking through the cathedral of trees (photo above), I found a spot to pause near the lake. There was a bench that wasn’t too wet, partially in the sun. I took a reusable shopping bag and repurposed it as a seat protector. I put a meditation timer on, and sat. Around me were people taking photos and looking out on the harbor. I heard birds, felt the sun and wind and crisp coolness of the autumn morning. My fingers were cold, heart warm.

Eyes were closed at first, and then I found them wanting to open. So they did, and saw two beautiful cormorants atop two poles in the water, beautifully framing the scene. I decided then to focus on a particular spot on the water. The wind was creating a light chop; I found the gentle movement of the water mesmerizing.

After about ten minutes, I got up and continued on my way. And as usual, I felt good for taking the time. Good for pausing, slowing down, resting my thinking head. After I meditate, I feel calmer, more organized, more grounded. And that filters into the rest of my day, whether I’m writing or teaching or interacting with others.

I can so easily get hung up on MEDITATION as a word - as in needing to do it according to others’ directions, needing to do it right, or needing to achieve something through it. But that is what doesn’t work for me.

What does work is taking a pause. A pause in the messiness of life, in the chaos around me or within me. Often the chaos is from all the thoughts running around in my head. That’s when I need to pause most, and find it most difficult to do. That egoic voice seems especially strong then. Sometimes I bargain with myself - just pause for a couple of minutes Rylla. Of course ten or twenty would be more beneficial, but I’m just not always there. It’s okay. I’m still trying, still a work in progress. I am on the journey, still learning, still committed to meditating and through that, committed to myself and my wellbeing.

I’m writing this as I sit in a lovely cafe with a terrific vibe. I’m especially enjoying their mellow pop music. Slightly jazzy, great vocals. The young woman behind the bar sings along, in wonderfully loud, accented English. I find myself singing along too, happy to be here. Here in this space, this place yes. And here on this planet. Walking slowly, savoring, letting each step lead me home to myself.

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Just made it back to my room in time to teach yoga online, after taking a train in the wrong direction. You’d think I have this travel thing down too, like meditation, but nope. Guess I’ll keep practicing! 😊