Complaining and Resentment
A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle, Chapter 3, Section 2
So don’t complain. Easy, huh? But…but it feels so good (or righteous anyway)! I mean, I gotta, right? Because, it shouldn’t oughta be this way!1
Oh we love to do it. We love to find fault, feeling fabulously superior, feeding the ego all the while. And, it trips us up. Every time we complain, we are resisting what is. But we feel justified!
The service should be better!
That’s it, I’m angry now! He should have been on time!
The food is terrible, seriously, who can eat this *%^& anyway?2
We could instead, rather than resisting what is, be putting our energy into deciding what to do with the situation, as it is. We could practice non-reaction. Practicing isn’t, in my experience, so easy. But if you want to practice catching yourself with kind gentleness and playfulness, it can be kind of fun.
Weather is my favorite place to start, because we always get to live with weather. And, how much time do we spend lamenting, complaining, being dramatic about it? Weather isn’t out to get us, it just is. One day sunny, next day rainy, that’s how it goes. Sometimes storms, sometimes intense heat. All of those can be judged as good or bad, depending on your own mood. But what if we let go of judgement and saw that weather just is?
The rain is. The sun is. The cold, the heat, the storm, the wind, it just is. The hurricane and Tsunami also. Now what? What is it like to “go with” the weather? Here are some of my favorite ways to practice going with the it.
Get fun rain clothes, like colorful rain boots/raincoat, a fun umbrella, etc.
When it’s cold/rainy/snowy, light some candles, make tea or hot chocolate, find some ritual to help you go with the weather.
Be cognizant of what weather is coming a be ready for it. Put on your spiritual as well as your actual raincoat. Then let the drops glide off of you…or…
Feel it fully. When I’m out in the intense heat, cold or rain, I like to pause and really feel what it’s like to be hot, cold, wet. Without judgement. Often I find it isn’t as bad as my brain was making it out to be. And I’m resilient. Turns out I still like playing in the warm rain, just like when I was a kid. But first I have to release my judgement that rain is bad, unwanted.
This winter I’ve taken to putting a scene of a roaring fireplace or a lovely warm room up on our wall (we have a projector for watching movies, tv, etc.). Sometimes it’s a window looking out on a snowy day, sometimes a rainy day. Other times a warm fire crackling. I find the view, and maybe even more so the sound, very soothing. And it helps me fully accept the weather as it is, even enjoy it.
Weather isn’t personal, and on some level we know that. Even if the the weather forecasters warn us of a “terrible” storm, we know the storm in and of itself isn’t terrible. It just is. And, it’s a good place to start playing with letting go of complaining.
Now when we start to complain about another person, it can be more challenging. We see a behavior we don’t like and that’s it. We’re off complaining and labeling.
The thing is people do what they do and usually that’s not personal either. When we realize that we can relax and choose our response, life becomes more pleasant. Resisting, it turns out, is exhausting. Going with what is like floating down the river instead of pushing upstream.
When you realize it’s not personal, there is no longer a compulsion to react as if it were. By not reacting to the ego, you will often be able to bring out the sanity in others…
Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth
Eckhart goes on to say that there are times you may have to take practical steps to protect yourself from deeply unconscious people. Practicing non-reaction with them, while so not easy, is the best thing to do. It just takes, for most of us, lots of practice.
This does not, by the way, mean you put up with everything. When something is not how you want you can simply make a request to change it, without complaining at all. Just state the facts.
There is no ego in telling the waiter that your soup is cold and needs to be heated up—if you stick to the facts which are always neutral.
“How dare you serve me cold soup…” That’s complaining. There is a “me” here that loves to feel personally offended…
Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth
We love to make others wrong. He shouldn’t behave this way, only he just did. She should be more attentive to the time, only she’s not. So what, now what?3
Now we get to notice when we slip into complaining, pause, and then pat ourselves on the back for noticing. Heck even if we notice after the fact (Whoops, did it again…), at least we are beginning to be aware.
And that’s how Eckhart finishes this section, with an invitation to practice noticing the complaining voice in the head. As soon as you notice yourself complaining, you can realize you are not that voice, you are the awareness of the complaining voice.
Maybe even smile. Somehow the complaint dissolves. You can relax, figure out what you want to do. You can tap into your amazing inner resources and choose how you, from awareness, want to respond to the situation. Wise wonderful you. Well done. シ
Thanks for being with me on this journey. I am a yoga and mindfulness teacher online and in Basel, Switzerland. I’d be happy to be in closer touch, whether for a class or just to connect. Take care of you and until soon!9
As my sister Urmi used to say. シ
Venting is different than complaining. Venting is a way to let your emotions and feelings be heard so you can move on. Just remember to vent carefully. Pick who you vent to and limit it so it doesn’t turn into complaining…
Martha Borst, a coach and trainer extraordinaire I have been lucky to train and work with taught me that fabulous phrase, useful in SO MANY situations. Give it a go sometime. It’s a good way to keep things light and playful as you practice mindfulness and non-reaction. シ