When doing less is more…
I had Covid recently. As always, when I experience pain or illness, I know I’m about to embark on a journey. Not one I would necessarily have chosen, but well, there it is…
So, yup, I got Covid. My turn I guess. No more cheery, and yes, perhaps slightly smug answers about how I’ve avoided it. Now I get to say yes, I’ve had Covid.
And oh boy, have I! Following my strong reactions to vaccinations and booster I expected the feverish, achy, part, but then was really so so tired after. And unmotivated. I felt so blah. Like I didn’t want to do anything. Which came as a package deal with the fear that I might never want to do anything again. Yay???
Then one morning I felt semi-human again. I was so excited! By afternoon I was exhausted and sleeping hard. The next day I was exhausted all day long. Arghhhh! Usually when I get sick, it is relatively short-lived and I can feel the illness leaving me. As in here this morning, completely gone this afternoon. Not this time.
I told myself to relax…that the world would keep spinning even if I didn’t read, write, meditate, practice yoga, German, etc. But the fear that I might stay in this blah, not-really-appreciating-life state forever was always there in the background.
Now, I know better than to listen to that voice of doom, especially if I’m tired or ill. But this time because the malaise was lasting longer than I was used to, I found it really difficult to let it go. I had slept through my writer’s meeting (which I was supposed to host), didn’t know what day it was, and was really struggling to appreciate anything. I felt so far from my usual self. I did a bit of the comparison blame game - thinking of how others got Covid and were fine, so what the hell was my problem? (So not productive!!!)
I distracted myself with bland TV, movies and documentaries most of which I slept through. That worked to a point, but I still didn’t want to do anything and I wasn’t letting that be ok.
It kept happening. Again I woke up feeling pretty good. I took a walk with my honey, set out about my day, and by lunch was completely wiped out. OKAY, OKAY I get it. I’m not in control. This will leave my body when it’s good and ready, not before. And I might as well let go of needing to see myself as a happy, motivated human, because right now I’m not. And what I need is time and rest and to do absolutely nothing for a while longer. I know, what I resist persists and damn it, the post Covid exhaustion was persisting.
Why did I need to “do something” anyway? I often tell my students to take their time with healing of injury and illness, so why couldn’t I do the same? Well, I think it is somewhat engrained in our culture.
I’ve been reading the book Laziness Does Not Exist, by Devon Price, Ph.D. There is a lot in there, including how colonialism was at the base of calling people lazy in order to control them, connecting their religious salvation with hard work. But pertinent to today’s writing is that we, for a long time, have been conditioned in Western society to believe that taking a break is not only lazy, but a character flaw. (Perhaps especially Americans.1)
And being sick? Well that’s lazy too.
Our economic system and culture have taught us that having needs makes us weak, and that limits are negotiable. We learn to neglect ourselves and see health as a resource we can trade for money or accomplishments. This brings us to the second tenet of the Laziness Lie: that we cannot trust our own feelings of exhaustion or sickness, and that none of our limitations are acceptable.2
Oh, so maybe now I know where it comes from, but still, how do I let it go?
And then, with a big sigh, I realized that too was part of my journey. Struggling and judging myself about doing not much. Allowing that to be. Next noticing the strong feelings/fears/emotions and taking a look at them.
Thinking that I should be better wasn’t working, nor was thinking that I was a lazy ass. And I like to look for what works.
Okay Rylla, deep breath and let go. Do nothing because that is exactly what you need to “do” in order to find your way back to health. Stop resisting feeling unmotivated and allow it, because if you really trust your body as you say you do and tell others to, then you can trust that there is a reason. Now isn’t the time to be productive. Rest and rejuvenate and do nothing and you will, most likely, return to your good feeling self.
And that’s what happened. I decided that I could take all this week, and heck, next if needed, to allow myself to do nothing. Stopping the resistance felt like a release. There’s is an ease to not needing to be in control. And, I can say that stopping the resistance happily coincided with my feeling better. I had a full day of feeling normal. Then the next day, was tired again but without the resistance. I allowed myself to rest, to be okay with it all.
The lesson that keeps arising for me is that I’m a much better doer if I can allow myself to be first. Be lots, live fully, allow the doing to spring from there. シ
One thing I did accomplish while sick? I finally watched the movie, Free Willy. These words so struck me…(spoken by Randolph Johnson to Jesse).
[Randolph gives Jesse a book]
Jesse : What's this?
Randolph : Thought you'd might want to know what we're dealing with this year. My father gave it to me.
Jesse : Thanks.
Randolph : It's Haida.
Jesse : What?
Randolph : [goes to the chair to sit down] Haida is the name of my people. 300 years ago, there were so many fish in the water my people only had to spend one day a week gathering food. Everybody ate like kings.
Jesse : So what did they do the rest of time?
Randolph : Carved and painted totems. Made music, told stories, made babies.
Sounds really good to me. I’m reconnected with the fact that I want to live first, do as needed. As I found my way back to my wiser, kinder self, I opened my eyes and looked around to see the beautiful shadows in our garden. I listened to the birds and felt the sun on my neck and I was happy. It’s good to be back.
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How connected are you with your body?
The Laziness Lie has also infected numerous American employees with a strong sense of “vacation guilt…” A survey by Glassdoor found that in 2018, Americans used only about half of their paid vacation days and let the remainder go completely to waste. Devon Price, Ph.D., Laziness Does Not Exist (New York: Atria International, 2021), 78.
Devon Price, Ph.D., Laziness Does Not Exist (New York: Atria International, 2021), 19.
Free Willy, directed by Simon Wincer Richter (United States: Le Studio Canal+, Regency Enterprises, Alcor Films, Donner/Shuler-Donner, 1993) https://www.netflix.com/us/title/523650?s=i&trkid=13747225&vlang=en&clip=81134017